just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
