Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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