Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
