So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
