my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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