your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
