Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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