so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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