You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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