Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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