Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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