I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
