I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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