I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
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