I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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