every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Girls should come with a carfax report
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
