Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize