I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
