I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
