that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
