she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
