youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
