Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
