Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The adults are the big ones right?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
