The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
