my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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