happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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