I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
