haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
