I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
