i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
