I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
