I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
