wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Someone came in the potted fern
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
