I puked a lego.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
