Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
