My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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