Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
