You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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