I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize