suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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