It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
