He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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