PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
