my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
