This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
