if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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