If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
