He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
And then he peed in my hair
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