I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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