I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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