I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
