So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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