My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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