I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize