I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
