He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
