i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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