I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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