Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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