I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
