Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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